This was recently posted in an article on the official Magic: The Gathering website:

Spike (from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer) – I originally listed Spike in my Orzhov (white/black) column. A reader wrote in to point out that everything Spike ever did was done through passion. Yes, he helps out the Scooby Gang, but not because he’s a good guy. He does it because he has the hots for Buffy. In fact, you can figure out Spike’s motivation for most episodes by figuring out who exactly he has the hots for that week. Spike is about as emotional as vampires come in the Buffyverse. Plus, as I explained in the Orzhov column, he’s totally selfish. Black/red.

See that?! That reader was me! I'm a reader! Woo-hoo!

I totally got scammed on eBay. It was unexpected, since I've had overwhelmingly good experiences on the site. This is the first time anything like this has happened. I bought some Gargoyles DVDs for $40 and have been waiting rather impatiently for them to come for almost two weeks now. I thought the guy would be trustworthy because his description was lengthy and detailed and he had a good feedback score. Unfortunately, looking more closely at his 100% positive feedback, it was all from buying, not selling, and upon even closer inspection, everything he bought appears to be about a dollar with free shipping. He's no longer a registered eBay customer. He probably has a new username and is attempting to screw someone else over now. And I'm bugged. Not because he ripped me off of $40. But because I've been metaphorically tearing my hair out for the past two weeks in anticipation for these DVDs. I've had two nightmares about them not showing up, one last night, and one a little while ago. Furthermore, I've been coming up with a really cool fanfiction idea, but I need to finish the series before I can start it, so I know there's nothing in the canon that contradicts what I have planned. And I've got a bad feeling that if I wait much longer, my inspiration will die out. On top of all that, my poor family has been hearing me constantly complain about my lack of DVDs which, I suppose, is really more my fault than the sellers, but still. I don't care about the money. I just want to see the rest of the episodes. Well, off to buy a new set of DVDs and hope that turns out better....

I knew my favorite number was 4 for a reason.

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

What Number Are You?

So, I just finished my second wallpaper. This one's dedicated two those two badass lovebirds. I took the foreground and background from separate episodes, edited them each, put them together, and added some text. Relatively simple, but I'm very pleased with how it turned out. My family, however, say it doesn't look romantic! How can it not look romantic?! Xanatos with his eyes half-closed, gently touching Owen's lips. Owen staring back silently at Xanatos in anticipation. They're totally about to kiss! Is it just me? Well, I'll let you be the judge. Click to see a full-sized version.



Anyways, Owen seems to have become a full-blown obsession of mine. It's funny that I'm not even hooked on the show so much as that one specific character and the couple I want him to be in. But Owen's just so cool and intriguing and perfect for Xanatos! Okay, I'm gonna blabber on about some more slashy goodness below which will contain spoilers, so unless you've already seen the show, or already know what happens, or don't care about getting spoiled, or are just so damn eager to read my girlish musings, stay away from the cut.

( Read more... )

You know, I don't think I've ever really shipped for a male/male couple before. I mean, sure, I've admitted some slashes have had merits, I've picked up on slashy vibes on various shows, but I don't recall ever really wanting two guys to end up with each other. But, I've been watching Gargoyles and I've gotta say...Xanatos and Owen...I mean...I know they're cartoon characters and all but...it's hot! Ugh! Okay! I said it! Or...I typed it! I admitted it! I'm sorry, the two of them are just so...good together! And they're already living together and everything. Right now I'm part way through Season 2, so I realize their dynamic may change for better or for worse, but I'm pretty sure their story line isn't gonna go where I'd like it to. Grr.... Man, Owen kicks so much ass, though. So does Xanatos. And the way they look out for each other is...kinda sweet, you know? Man, they'd be so good together!

And is it strange that my spell checker wants to change Xanatos to Manatees?

So, I hung out with Tara and her roommate, Scott last night. It was nice. Tara's a cool person, although I couldn't help feeling like we were on kinda different wavelengths. She seems to be really into "girl power", not obnoxiously so or anything, but way more than I am. And her geekiness is severely lacking compared to mine. She is a big Joss Whedon fan, though, so that made for some fun topics. Scott also seemed like a cool guy. He and I had some really interesting conversations about psychology and mental illness. I liked both people, although I'm really not sure what kind of impression I made on them. Hopefully a good one, despite my less-than-stellar navigational skills. In any case, Tara and I are gonna hang out next week before our last self-defense class, at one of my favorite restaurants. It should be fun!

Okay, so I just saw Caché and I've gotta ask: What the crap? That was probably the single most pointless movie I've ever seen. Mind you, it certainly wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen...I've seen much, much worse. But I'm hard-pressed to think of something more pointless. It had a very simple plot, no intriguing dialogue, no likeable characters, no payoff, and, from what I can tell, no editor. Basically the only thing the movie had going for it was its theme and its potential to be more than it was.

But the thing that bugs me most about this movie is not anything about the movie itself. It's the reviews it got. It was hailed by critics and got an 87% at Rotten Tomatoes. I can't help wondering if its unique genre alone earned it the majority of its praise. Now, I sympathize with critics. They see a lot of the same, boring, formulaic American crap all the time. So when something truly different comes out, they tend to give it better reviews, even if the quality of the movie itself is lacking. Still, it seems that if you're going to base a movie on innovation and style, rather than content, you should either be: A) discriminating, B) consistent, or C) both.

By "discriminating" I mean, while being able to appreciate a unique style or subject on its own merits, also taking the quality of the finished product into account. For example, one might argue that it's commendable that Brokeback Mountain was a mainstream movie about a gay couple. This does not take into account, however, the quality of the movie itself or the way in which the subject matter was dealt with. When I look at Brokeback from an artistic or technical standpoint, I can't for the life of me understand its popularity among critics. It was good, sure, but it wasn't what I would consider Oscar material. I imagine that if the story had been about a man and a woman, the movie would have not been the box-office hit it was, but rather an easily forgotten drama. And to base one's opinion of a movie almost solely on a single subject matter seems irresponsible to me, especially if your job is being a critic. Now, if you sincerely appreciate the movie on its own merits, liked the writing, cinematography, etc. regardless of the homosexual themes, then good for you. And, naturally, if you enjoyed the movie for whatever reason, there's nothing wrong with that. But if you commend it as one of the greatest films of our time based primarily on the subject matter or even how it effects you personally, I really think you're missing a great deal of what movies are all about.

By "consistent" I mean, if you're going to commend a movie due primarily due to its style, don't alter your opinion based on genre. I've noticed this in the literary world. A certain amount of contempt seems to be held for fantasy and sci-fi literature, as well as comic books - not because of a necessarily lack of quality of the individual products, but on a bias for the genres as a whole. Perhaps the biases are merited in some circumstances, but to condemn an entire format based on one's preconceptions and generalizations strikes me as a rather immature thing to do. So, legitimately good comics are called a "waste of time" while worthless pieces of literature that hold historical significance but no actual writing merit, such as Beowulf, are held in high regard. I can only assume the same is true with various genres of movies, as it is the only way I can account for why Caché got an 87% at Rotten Tomatoes, while The Grudge got a mere 41%. Admittedly, The Grudge is not one of my favorite movies, but I certainly think it beat Caché at the very elements Caché was probably so adamantly admired for. Like Caché, The Grudge takes a very different format than the traditional American movie in terms of pacing and exposition. Both movies are very slow, and both movies leave much of the story for the audience to decipher. Like Caché, The Grudge deals with an ever-present theme - Caché's being guilt and The Grudge's being karma. So what is about Caché that appeals to critics, that The Grudge lacks? I believe it's the genre. Caché is a realistic dramatic portrayal of a situation with political overtones, while The Grudge is a supernatural horror flick with a hot chick as the lead. While artistically, The Grudge has almost all of the same unique merits as Caché, plus quite a few impressive elements that Caché was severely lacking, Caché is simply a movie that people can take more seriously, or at least feel the need to take more seriously. It wouldn't bother me so much that The Grudge got a low rating, if Caché's hadn't been so much higher.

I guess what would be ideal is if one day every story, every style, and every theme had become so commonplace that we could only judge a movie on its quality, rather than on a desire for something new. But, knowing the American movie industry, Hollywood will probably be underwater before that happens.

I'm sooooooooooo happy right now! I just got together with a friend of mine from work and we had a really great time together. I've known her for awhile now, but I never realized how much in common we had. Some of it is almost freaky. Plus she's really nice and fun to hang out with. It feels so good to have a friend in the area again, and someone who I can feel so comfortable around. Her name is Anya.

Also, recently I took my first self-defense class. We learned various avoidance techniques as well as some physical defensive maneuvers. There are two more classes, and each one is three hours long. I swapped numbers with a girl there too, who seems like a cool person based on the brief time we talked together. We might get together sometime this week. I'm just a social butterfly. Oh, and her name is Tara.

Yes, Anya and Tara. Weird, huh?

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your livejournal along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they're listening to.

Okay, so Farah tagged me to give seven songs I'm into at the moment. So, um...here goes!

Everything You Want - I learned this song from Karaoke Revolution and it's been going through my head for weeks now. The chorus goes: "He's everything you want. He's everything you need. He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be. He says all the right things at exactly the right time. But he means nothing to you and you don't know why." Now, obviously, Kyle does mean something to me...it's just not the right "something".

Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends Theme - Foster's is, in my mind, one of the best television shows that's still being made today. For those of you who don't know, it's a series on Cartoon Network about a mansion that holds imaginary friends that children have lost interest in until other people decide to come and adopt them. It's bizarre and very funny. Anyways, I've been playing an online game based on the show, which I find a lot of fun, so I've been hearing the theme quite a bit recently. It's catchy.

Nothing Wrong - This song pretty much sums up me when it comes to injustice and world affairs. I may not myself be responsible for the cruelties of this day and age, but I haven't exactly gone very much out of my way to stop them either. The chorus goes: "We've done nothing wrong, but we've done nothing. We can't look away, but we're just looking in. It's second nature to say, hey, hey, hey, we've done nothing wrong."

Let Me Be With You - The opening song from the anime series Chobits. I don't actually like the song very much, but I just finished the series, so it's pretty fresh in my mind and I have a strange desire to memorize the lyrics. Right now all I really know is the "dakishimetainoni".

Kryptonite - Probably because the new Superman movie is going to be coming out soon. I hope it's going to be good. What I'm really looking forward too, of course, is Wonder Woman. Oh, and, plus, I just like the song. It's pretty.

Crawling - I just had to put a Linkin Park song in here. My best friend and one of my brothers claim that Linkin Park is bandwagon crap made primarily for 14-year-old boys, and thus doesn't classify as good music. But I don't care. Well, okay, I care a little, but I'm not going to let that effect my opinion on the band. Some people think that you're lame if you don't like what's trendy. Some people think you're lame if you do. So the way I see it, I'm screwed either way. But I've never liked things because they're popular or unpopular. I like things because I like things. And I really enjoy Linkin Park. And, to me, Crawling is just a beautiful song.

Addicted - I don't actually like this song, but it's been running through my head for weeks now. I still miss him, think about him, worry about him. In a way, I'm addicted. But we want different things, so I really think it's best if I just leave him alone.

And now, to tag seven more people. Okay, I choose falsebeliever, limberry, luciousspike, shred, radiantevil, and skittythegreat.

"Everything we need should be at the supply store," said Rupert Giles, keeping his eyes on the road.

Buffy glanced over at him from the passenger's seat. "Gotcha."

"I hope this isn't too inconvenient for you."

"What, you kidding me? Anything beats being cooped up in that stuffy old library all afternoon." Buffy's eyes widened as she realized that may not have been the smartest thing to say to someone who practically lives there. "And by 'anything' I meant...anything...productive. N-not that there isn't productive stuff to do in the library! It's just...you said we needed supplies so I figure...why sit around when innocent folders and stationary need our help? Not that there's anything wrong with sitting around! If you're...you know...doing......stuff." Buffy noticed Rupert was keeping his eyes on the road, and she wasn't sure if he was studiously ignoring her or just not listening. She decided to start over. "So, you been a librarian long?"

"What? Oh, uh, yes. I worked back in England for several years and then I transferred here."

"England to Sunnydale, huh? Interesting career move. Wanted to see the states?"

"Uh, no. I was actually assigned...uh..." he looked over at her flashed a nervous smile. "I mean, yes, I quite wanted to see this part of the world."

"And? What do you think?"

"Well, it's certainly rather...um...dry."

"Yeah, well, that's California for you."

"I suppose so, yes. And, um...what about you? I was told you got detention for...fighting with other students?"

"Oh. Yeah." Buffy looked down and curled her lip in semi-shame.

"Is this a...frequent occurrence?"

"Kinda. Well, recently."

"You haven't always been prone to aggression?"

"Not like this. Well, not until a few months ago."

"What happened a few months ago?"

"I don't know. One morning I woke up and I just...felt stronger. And I felt like I should...I don't know...do something about it."

"With great power comes great responsibility."

"Good movie."

"Uh...movie?"

"Spiderman?"

"Oh, yes, yes."

"I'm thinking this might be just one of those 'things' that teenagers go through. At least, that's the excuse I'm gonna tell my mom if she ever catches wind of all this."

"I suppose I should have considered that maneuver when I was your age. I was a fairly rambunctious teenager myself."

Buffy smiled, repressing a laugh and the urge to make a snide comment. Somehow she couldn't picture Rupert as being any sort of problem child, especially when he used a word like "rambunctious".

"So...you seek out these fights?" he asked.

"What? No, not at all! It's just...when I see someone in trouble...especially Xander or Willow I just...I can't just stand by and watch."

"That's very brave of you. Most people can't..."

"I'm not brave." Her tone was serious.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I'm not brave. I never have been. I couldn't...." Buffy went silent. She sat for a moment, thinking, regretting, before she asked, "Can we listen to some music?"

"Oh. Yes. Down there."

Buffy looked to where he was signaling with his eyes to see a closed compartment underneath the radio, which she opened to find several CDs. She sifted through them, finding mostly classical music but also some albums of Pink Floyd and The Who. She pulled out a case labeled "Dark Side of the Moon" and looked at it.

"You know, they say if you listen to this while watching the Wizard of Oz..."

"Y-yes, I've heard."

Buffy put the CD back and continued riffling through his collection hoping to find something she'd like to listen to. "Hey, how long 'til we get there?" she asked, not looking up.

Rupert said nothing.

Buffy sat up and looked out the window. Around them were abandoned building and unfamiliar warehouses. There were no people in sight. Buffy furrowed her brow. "I don't recognize this part of town. Which supply store are we going to anyway?"

Rupert still said nothing.

"Mr. Giles?"

"We're not going to a supply store, Buffy," said Rupert, softly.

Buffy looked at him. He kept his eyes squarely on the road in front of him and said nothing else. Buffy got a hollow feeling in her stomach and she realized that, for the first time since that summer night two years ago, she was scared. "Where are you taking me?" she asked, quietly.

"You...you're going to meet with some of my associates."

"Associates? What, you're trying to convert me into a librarian?" She laughed in an attempt to mask her fear.

"They'll explain everything to you soon enough."

Buffy looked out the window. Nobody was on the streets. She looked back to Rupert. "Take me back to the school."

"I'm sorry. I can't do that."

"What do you mean you 'can't'?"

"I just...I can't."

"Yes, you can," she said, concern rising in her voice. "Just turn around!"

"Buffy, I assure you, you have no reason to panic. Simply do as your told and I promise you will not be harmed..."

"Harmed?" Buffy's voice trembled. She clenched her fingers in her hair and looked down at her knees.

"I'm sorry, Buffy, I can't tell you any more right now."

Buffy sat for a moment in silence and uncertainty. She looked up and saw a large black van a few blocks away. Everything seemed unreal as if she were dreaming or watching a movie. Rupert drove for another couple blocks, then parked the car in the road. The doors of the van opened and five people filed out - four men all in black and a woman in a red dress. They started toward the car.

Buffy turned to Rupert and grabbed his sleeve with both hands. "Mr. Giles! Mr. Giles, please turn back!"

Rupert kept his eyes on the road in front of him and said nothing.

"Mr. Giles, please!" She was almost screaming.

The desperation in her voice made him look over at her. Her eyes were wet and terrified. She looked so small, so helpless, and it broke his heart.

"Please," she whispered.

For a moment Rupert seriously considered turning the car around and hightailing it out of there. But before her could make up his mind, a knock came at the passenger window. Buffy turned. It was the woman in red. The woman pointed down, signaling for Buffy to roll down her window, which she did.

"Buffy Summers?" said the woman. She spoke in a British accent.

"What do you want with me?" asked Buffy, voice resentful and shaking.

"Miss Summers, I must ask you to step out of the car and accompany us."

Buffy looked over at Rupert, hoping for some sort of help, but he simply nodded and said, "Do as she tells you, Buffy."

Buffy looked back at the woman. "Okay," she finally said. "I'll come with you." She unbuckled her seat belt, opened the door, and stepped out. The four men surrounded her and began walking her over to the van, the woman walking a few paces behind them.

Rupert watched from inside his car. He hated himself for doing this to her, but he understood that it was necessary. Everything would be straightened out soon enough. The girl would embrace her destiny and, with his help, become something more than she ever imagined possible. Soon the weight of the world would be on her shoulders. In all likeliness, she would be dead within the next few years. And all the strength and light he knew she had in her would fade away into nothing.

Rupert's attention was called back to the present when he saw Buffy turn, punch one of the men in the face, push the woman in red over, and take off down the street. Rupert unbuckled, opened his car door, and stepped out of his vehicle. The three men who were still on their feet chased after the girl and grabbed her. "Don't harm her!" cried Rupert, as loudly as he could and started running toward them. When he came nearer he saw Buffy unconscious in one of the men's arms. "Buffy...."

"Quite a brash little girl," said the woman in red, walking up behind him and straightening her dress. "I expect she'll prove most useful indeed." Rupert looked at the woman. "You've done quite well, Rupert. My men and I will take it from here."

Rupert looked at the woman, then back to Buffy, unsure of what to say. "Yes," he finally managed. "Yes."

"So what did you do?"

"I went to his office and got the third degree." Buffy and her friend, Willow Rosenburg carried their lunch trays to one of the round faux-wooden tables and sat down. "Well, the third degree to the best Flutie can manage. You know, lots of 'I have faith that you'll choose to do what's best' and 'let's work together to build a safe and effective learning environment'."

"Hm...sounds more like the fifth degree."

"Yeah. Flutie's not exactly Guantanamo guard material."

"Did he call your mom?" Willow leaned her face on her fists and took a sip through her straw, large eyes not leaving Buffy's face.

"Thankfully, no. But he said if I got caught fighting one more time he and her might have to have a 'chat'. Not something I want to happen. Plus, he gave me a 'special' detention. After school I have to go work in the library."

Willow sat up and her face brightened. "Oh! That sounds like fun!"

"Reality check, Will. He's not sending me there to read. I'm thinking I'll be served up file duty with a side of manual labor."

"Still! Being surrounded by all those books, everything so nice and quiet. And since you're already freakishly strong..." Willow paused. "...uh...I mean...in good physical health...recently...moving things around shouldn't be such a problem for you, right?"

"I guess not."

"And," Willow leaned in closer to Buffy, "you get to be with Mr. Giles."

"And this is a plus, how?"

"Well, I mean, the times I've seen him he's been really nice and helpful...and he seems super smart."

Buffy's face teetered between a wry smirk and an all-out grin. "Willow, am I sensing some infatuatory vibes here? I thought you were sweet on Xander."

"What?" Willow looked disturbed. "No! I mean, well, I am. On Xander, that is! Not on Mr. Giles."

Buffy's smile widened. "It's okay, Will. You can like more than one guy."

Willow frowned. "I guess it doesn't matter either way. Not like anyone's gonna notice me."

Buffy gave Willow a light slap on the arm with the back of her hand. "Hey! Any guy who wouldn't want to be with you would have to be a moron. Or gay. Or possibly both."

Willow sighed and smiled slightly. "Thanks, Buffy." She considered what Buffy said, before her eyes opened wide. "Oh, God! You don't think Xander is gay, do you?!"

"Well, if he is, you've always got Mr. Giles."

"No, I don't! I mean...he's way to old for me and he's way too...uh...British."

"What? British accents can be kind of sexy."

"They are sexy," Willow admitted.

"Who's sexy now?" Xander slid his tray onto the table, turned a chair around, and sat in it backwards.

"British accents," said Buffy.

"Ahw, roight then!" said Xander, putting on his best British accent. "Pip pip, gov'na! Would you loik a spo' o' chea?!"

Buffy winced. "Xander, don't do that again. Ever."

"What?" said Xander, in his normal voice, looking sincerely bewildered. "What's wrong with it?"

"Everything?" chanced Willow.

Xander smiled to hide his disappointment.

Recently Rosamunde posted in her journal that she was going to write fanfics until an original idea sprout into her mind. I think that might be a good idea for me as well. If nothing else, it'll supposedly sharpen my writing skills while I wait for inspiration. Of course, knowing me, it probably won't last long. I'm not exactly known for my dedication to my craft and my supply of previously-written fanfics are limited at best. In any case, I figure I'll give it a whirl and see how it goes.

My basic premise is an alternative version of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. I have two different concepts of this, actually, one being a light-hearted manga that represents each character super-deformed and caricaturized (I was telling Ros about this when I was with her), and the other is a darker, more serious take on the story in traditional prose. In both cases the main things that will remain the same are the characters and the basic premise. The specifics will vary quite a bit. Just a small example, in the story I'm contemplating writing, Buffy grew up in Sunnydale, which was not the case in the series.

While I assume my light-hearted manga would probably be better received than my darker, more traditional fanfic, I'm gonna start with the latter. For one thing, I've been in sort of a melancholy mood as of recently. For another, I don't have to worry about drawing. So, here goes.

---

Jonathan struggled against the force of the three larger boys, his free hand pressing against the edge of his cold metal locker, his shoes squeaking against the bright tile floor. This wasn't the first time his peers had decided to shove him into a locker nor, he was convinced, would it be the last. His small stature seemed to make him an ideal target for such pranks. But the frequency of these occurrences didn't make them any less painful. What bothered him most weren't the bruises usually left on his arms and back, nor the darkness and discomfort as he waited for someone to let him out. What he truly hated was the feeling of helplessness, being too weak to fight them off and too proud to call for help. His only hope was that a faculty member would pass by and care enough to intervene.

"Fellas, fellas," said a strangely calm voice. The struggling stopped for a moment and Jonathan looked over to see one of his classmates, Xander Harris, standing a few yards away. "Look, I get the whole 'need-to-compensate-because-God-wasn't-so-generous-when-he-built-you thing', but don't you think shoving freshmen into lockers is going a little off the Freudian deep end?"

"Fuck off, Harris," said one of the bullies.

"I'm just saying maybe you could find more productive ways to assert your manly urges. You know, shoot some hoops, get some drinks, jump off a bridge..."

"...go bang your mama?"

"Really don't think you guys are so much her type. You should probably set more realistic standards. I'm thinking mollusks, crustaceans, maybe an occasional goat?"

Jonathan, who the bullies had released in favor of their new prey, quickly picked up his books that had been scattered over the floor and made a quiet escape. He didn't know why Xander had stepped in like he did - the two weren't friends and he only knew Xander's name because they shared two classes - but mostly Jonathan was glad that he wasn't presently staring out of the inside of his locker.

"You wanna fuck with us, Harris? You wanna take us on?"

"No. I don't wanna take you on. I see much injuries and internal bleeding that way. I just don't get why you have to pick on that kid to feel better about yourself."

"You talk too much. It's gonna get you in trouble." The bully arched his elbow back and swung at Xander's face. Xander closed his eyes and flinched back, anticipating the blow.

"Fine. You don't wanna talk?" said a young woman's voice. Xander opened his eyes to see his childhood friend, Buffy Summers, holding the bully's shaking wrist. "Then let's skip right to the action." Buffy kicked the bully in the stomach, sending him reeling a few steps backward. She crossed her arms. "You mess with my friends, you mess with me."

"Miss Summers!" cried the voice of an older man. The group turned around to see a flustered middle-aged man quickly walking their way. "Stop this at once!"

"Principal Flutie!" Buffy's demeanor immediately changed from collected to unsettled as her superior approached her. "I was just...they were just..."

"Miss Summers, I've told you this before. I can't have you starting fights in my school." He stopped in front of her. "We want to create a welcoming and loving atmosphere here. Don't you want to be part of a safe and caring school community?"

"I do! I-I absolutely do! It's just that...that I..."

"They started it!" said Xander pointing at the boys.

"We so did not!" said the bully, still holding his stomach. "She just came up and kicked me!"

Xander looked disgusted. "Oh, you are so full of..."

"That's enough!" cried Flutie. "I'm giving all five of you detention. And, Buffy, I'll need to see you in my office."

The bullies left down the hall, grumbling, while Buffy followed the principal, sullen. Xander, still in shock, stood alone. "Detention? Wait! What did I do?!"

---

Okay, so, not too much of a start yet, but it takes me a long time to write a short amount. I'll probably post more later. We'll see. And, don't worry, I really do have a plot line in mind for this story.

So, I'm trying to figure out what to do now. Since my last journal entry I just sat in my room, cried, and tried to figure out what exactly it is I want to do. I've considered playing games, watching TV, writing angsty poetry, taking a walk, getting on a bus and heading...somewhere, talking to someone, working on my homepage, surfing the net...but the only think I really wanna do right now is hang out with Kyle. And that's not happening. I keep hoping he'll just show up at the door and we'll hug and kiss and things'll all be okay again. For some reason, I had hoped we'd kiss tonight. I'm a moron. I've also considered going to sleep. I'm so emotionally exhausted. But I'm afraid if I start to fall asleep, I'll let my defenses down and break down again.

I wonder how Kyle's doing. I hope he's okay. I wish I could do something for him.

I hate the fucking world. Kyle was the best friend I've had in years. He was the only person I've met since college that I've actually really been interested in. For weeks now there's been nothing I've wanted to do more than curl up in his arms, kiss him, and let my feelings out. But I held off from doing that because I knew if he wasn't The One, getting too close to him would just lead to him getting more hurt in the long run. I think he may have figured that I was keeping him at arm's length because I was afraid of getting hurt myself. But the truth is, I didn't want to break his heart the same way I've done with too many other guys. I was hoping that we could just maintain a platonic relationship indefinitely. But I knew better. Things progressed. We got closer. We never really verbalized our feelings for each other, but the fact of the matter is that I really cared for him and I think he felt the same way. And a couple days ago I realized that things couldn't keep going on like this. I had to make a choice. Was I going to pursue a long-term relationship with him or was I going to let him know that wasn't a possibility? And I chose the latter. Despite everything, all the happiness her brought me, what a wonderful person he was, what he meant to me, I chose the latter. For two days I cried on and off, so scared that I would hurt him and possibly even lose him. But I have to be honest. It's my vice and virtue. So I told him, and he left, and now I don't know if I'll ever see him again. And, regardless of whether I do or not, the fact remains that probably I just hurt one of the very few people who really, truly means something to me. I stayed calm while he was still here, but as soon as he left I broke down. I gasped and cried and cursed, and then once I had settled down enough, I came up and started writing this journal entry. I'm still crying, but at least I'm composed enough to be able to type this.

Why did I make the choice that I did? Those of you reading this post are probably finding it rather counterintuitive right now. Kyle's probably confused about it to. I wasn't able to give him a good reason. I've been thinking...a lot of people like to divide a human into three categories: the heart, the mind, and the body. And all three of those parts of me wanted him. My heart likes him because he makes me happy and makes me want him as more than just a friend. My mind likes him because being with him just makes sense. As for the body...well...I do find him attractive and, as I mentioned, I've been wanting to kiss him for quite some time now. So, if all of those parts of me want him, what does that leave? I guess it could best be classified as "the soul". Strictly speaking, I don't believe in a soul, but there is something...intangible in a person. And when I asked myself, "Is this the person I want to be spending the rest of my life with?" it was that intangible element that told me, "No." Kyle is so much fun to be with. I miss him when he's away. I'm happy when he's around. And, yet, for some reason, that's just not enough. What am I looking for?! I know what it is...because I've felt it before...that feeling of "true love" that people like to talk about. Which is something more than pure emotions or desire or instinct or logic or pheromones. I want to feel that way again. And that wasn't what I was feeling with Kyle. Even though I never gave him a real chance. God, he's been perfect to me. He's been so perfect to me.

What do I do now? I'm alone. I hurt him. I want him back. But I can't give in. Because if I do, it'll just mean I'll hurt him more in the long run. It's better this way. But shit, shit, SHIT!!! I want him. I miss him. Fuck. I'd somehow hoped that things would work themselves out. That I could just tell him this and things would be okay. But things aren't okay. Everything is wrong. I guess I just have to have faith that things will work themselves out. I mean, unlike guys I've known in the past, Kyle probably won't have too hard or a time finding someone else, so that's good. Guys I've known in the past have often been outcasts, unsure how to handle themselves socially. But Kyle isn't like that. He knows how to deal with people, he's fun to be around, and is the exact kind of guy a lot of girls out there are looking for. I guess that makes me feel better, knowing that. I've stopped crying, so it must have. Yeah...he can go back online and search for other girls and meet someone really great. Someone much better than me. Someone who won't turn her back on him. Someone who will treat him the way he deserves to be treated. It'll be better in the long run, I think. And I'll just...I don't know. Keep looking. I know I'll probably be lucky to find someone halfway as decent as Kyle but...this is just what I have to do.

Okay, some sexual content in this post, so don't read if you don't want to. End of disclaimer.

So, I was "tagged" by my friend Wolfie in one of her journal entries. Apparently there's this game going around in which you're supposed to list the five fictional characters you'd most like to have sex with, and then tag some other people and tell them to do the same things.

Although, in my case, there's a problem. If I were given the chance to have sex with any five fictional characters...well...I wouldn't. I'm saving myself for the right person and the right time, and I'm assuming a lengthy courtship is not included in the hypothetical deal here. If I had to choose, though, I'd probably keep my choices to females. For one thing, girls of a certain age range (say about 18-mid 30s) just tend to generally be more attractive than boys. To me. Plus, the idea of a girl having an orgasm seems innately hotter than a guy having one. To me. And, perhaps most importantly, sex with girls seems less scary than sex with guys. That is, assuming I'm the one doing the penetrating. For some reason, the idea of someone...um...entering me...just strikes me as frightening at this point in time. Eventually I'm going to want it (and frequently at that), but like I wrote, it has to be with the right person at the right time. Going off on a bit of a tangent here, that's one thing that kind of worries me about my dating life. I'm twenty-four and not ready to have sex until I'm fully emotionally ready. Which may be years. And, from what I hear, the concept of abstinence for that length of time may not exactly be an appealing concept, especially for men, who I understand tend to have greater sex drives than women. Can I really expect someone to wait around that long for me, especially with the ever-present possibility that things won't work out in the end and they'll have waited around for nothing? I mean, I suppose there are people who this wouldn't be such an issue with. Like, people without strong sex drives. Only, see, I don't particularly want to end up with someone without a strong sex drive, because I'm willing to bet that once I do decide to have sex with someone, I'm gonna want to do it all the time. So that's not exactly compatible. Another group of people who might be happy to wait would be strict, traditional Catholics. And...um...well...let's just say I don't exactly picture myself ending up with one of them. So I guess that just leaves people who have values that are comparable to my own, or people who think I'm just such a freaking cool person that I'm worth the wait. Which, I suppose, are the two types of people I'd want to end up with anyway. So, yeah, in any case. Back to business. The five fictional characters I'd most want to have sex with would probably be:

1. Buffy Summers (Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, Season 4)
2. Rachel Green (Friends)
3. Cordelia Chase (Angel: The Series)
4. Pam Beesly (The Office)
5. Aya Brea (Parasite Eve)

(Please note: The fifth one on the list used to be Karen Davis, but I changed it when I noticed some pictures of Aya on my hard drive. Yeow.) But these are choices based mostly on physicality. A question that I think would be much more interesting would be that of which five characters I would most like to date, which I have posted below. One thing you may notice about this list is that, with only one exception, the it's comprised of men. Which hints at a bit of a conundrum on my behalf: while I tend to be more attracted to girls, I tend to get along better with boys. Probably one of the biggest factors in this is that boys, or at least boys in the media, tend to be just a lot funnier than most girls. A sense of humor is, to me, probably the sexiest aspect about a person, more so than anything physical. Another trait that seems to be more common in men than in women, at least based on my experience, is simplicity of personal values. By which I mean, they're less likely to hold double standards, less likely to manipulate, less likely to be hypocritical, and just easier for me to understand in general. Another thing that seems more common in guys than in girls is a tendency to be geeky. There just seem to be more geek guys out there than there are geek girls. Now, admittedly, my experience with women is extremely limited and I'm sure there are most than millions of counterexamples to my gender stereotypes, but this is just an impression I've come away with over time. And since a sense of humor, a simplicity in values, and geekiness are all things I value, and since character is far more important than physical appearance, I suspect I'm more likely to end up with a man in the long run than a woman. But, of course, I have to judge each person individually and perhaps I'll find a woman with the aspects I tend to admire in men. In any case, the five fictional characters I'd most want to date would probably be:

1. Jim Halpert (The Office)
2. Pam Beesly (The Office)
3. Tex Murphy (a series of computer puzzle games)
4. Spike (Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, Season 7)
5. Chandler Bing (Friends)

You may notice that only one of the characters crosses over from one list to another. Oh, Pam, please don't marry Roy! Marry Jim!!! And if you don't marry Jim, for the love of God, marry me!!!!!

And now, to tag the next five people who have to list off which fictitious characters they'd most like to have sex with:

falsebeliever
limberry
lusciousspike
lusciousxander
skittythegreat

Have any of you guys heard about this game, Spore? It's due out sometime next year, and I'm already stoked about it. Hopefully this won't be like World of Warcraft where I anticipate it for months only to get bored with it when it actually comes out. But this game looks really promising. If you're remotely into computer games and haven't seen this yet, go here to check out a quick video demonstrating what sorts of things we can expect to see when the it's released (quick meaning a little over a half an hour).

On an unrelated topic, yesterday I was having trouble remembering a specific word. Don't you just hate it when that happens? I had a feeling it started with an "A" (or maybe another letter), that it was some sort of spice (or something somewhat like a spice), and that it probably had three syllables (but possibly four or two). My dad and my brother, Noah were remarkably unhelpful in getting me to remember the word. I ended up concluding it was probably "scallions".

So, I checked out urbandictionary.com, and they've finally put up my definition for Sarah Michelle Gellar! Feel free to visit the site and, if you like my contribution, give it a thumbs up. Mine's the one posted by Murasaki Yugata. My one regret is using "actror" as one of her keywords. What the heck is an actror?

On the subject of defining SMG, Kyle didn't know what those initials stood for when he first read my blog, so he went on for awhile thinking I had some sort of Sub Machine Gun fetish. I thought that was absolutely hilarious, as was the rather awkward mental image that popped into my mind after the fact.

Of course, there are other things SMG could stand for. Like Sodium Mono Glutamate, Someday Murasaki's Girl, or Super Mario Games.

Speaking of which, did you know that Mario is also known as Jump Man? (It's true, look it up.) So, Jump Man is in Super Mario Games. Which sounds innocent enough, until you abbreviate it. (Damn, I've been waiting to crack that one out for probably months now....)

One last thing. I was talking with my cousin Daniel the other day, and told him that I refused to watch any movies with Freddie Prinze Jr. in them, since he was married to Sarah. He responded, "They're still married?!" I can't tell you what a good mood that put me in.

I went to a baseball game yesterday: the Cubs vs. the Padres. The results were disappointing, but not unexpected, the Cubs losing 3 to 8. My dad and my brother, Adam are die-impossible Cubs fans, so naturally we're used to these sorts of let-downs. But I still had a fun time. I had been looking forward to getting a hot dog and a Frosty Malt, but for some reason I wasn't really hungry enough when I got there, so I just had an iced mocha and a bag of Cracker Jacks (which they really needed to put more peanuts into.) During the course of the game, I saw my first in-person broken bat, my first in-person ground rule double, and my only time I've ever seen a baseball hit one of the wires strung up above the field. Perhaps this was just the first time I paid a reasonable amount of attention to a baseball game. It was actually kind of interesting. Plus, they've installed all these screens that played various animations or showed members of the crowd, depending on what point we were at in the game and what sorts of plays just happened. Entertaining. Another plus was the amount of Cubs fans who were present, despite the game being in the opposing team's stadium. The worst part of the game was having these two guys sitting behind me who were screaming their heads off. Seriously, I can totally understand the need to yell at a sporting event, but these guys had just taken it way too far. It made the game less enjoyable for me, but I didn't ask them to quiet down, as I didn't know them and I wasn't familiar with proper baseball fan etiquette. Besides, I'd already used up my complaint for the day asking the young woman behind me not to kick my chair. I didn't want to seem like a total stick in the mud. In any case, assuming I haven't gone deaf or anything, it was a neat experience. Going to sporting events can be fun in moderation.

This pretty much fits with the butch/femme test I took a little while ago. I'm pretty much in the middle.

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

So, lately I've been spending a lot less time on the internet than I have in the past. I haven't updated my LiveJournal on a regular basis for quite some time. I haven't been responding promptly to e-mails. Messages from boys have been piling up in my okCupid inbox that I still need to answer. I rarely get to chat with my online friends anymore, nor have I been checking their own journals as much as I probably should. And I haven't been to BuffyWorld in Joss knows how long. My therapist was very pleased to hear that I was too busy with "real life" stuff to dedicate my usual amount of time to the internet, but the thing is, my internet life has a merit and goodness all of its own, and it's not something I should neglect. Worst of all, I made Ros worry about me. And I miss her.

So, what have I been doing lately? Mostly hanging out with Kyle, playing video games, working, and sleeping. I'm starting to actually have something that resembles a social life. Things actually seem to be going really well. So, while I'm naturally not optimistic that this happiness will last (it never does), I intend to enjoy it while I can. Does that work as an excuse for my interneglect?

Anyways, here’s the run-down of recent events. Perhaps I'll go into more details later.

As I mentioned, I've been spending a reasonable amount of time with Kyle. We get together and talk, play games, watch TV, stuff like that. He continues to be respectful, generous, kind, and patient, which means so much to me. And he's fun. It probably hasn't been since college that I've had a new, offline, non-immediate-family friend who I actually look forward to seeing. He seems a lot less bizarre and emotionally-driven than the people I'm used to hanging out with, so it's always been kind of a surprise to me that he likes my company. He seems like the type of person who would normally find me annoying. But, based on what I've observed, he actually tends to see my quirks as endearing, possibly even charming. On the flip side, I find that he doesn't annoy me either. Which, while that may not seem like a huge consolation, is actually a trait that seems hard to find in people I meet face-to-fact nowadays. I get a lot more easily annoyed with people now than I used to, so the fact that I've found someone who I can spend long amounts of time with who is not only kind and fun to be around but also doesn't tend to piss me off, is very refreshing.

Speaking of annoying, I should mention that Craig redeemed himself the other day at gaming. He was very nice to me for the entire night and ended up buying everyone in the group a meal. He strikes me as someone who really does mean well, but can't always express his good intentions properly. So, while I still wouldn't hang out with him in my non-gaming time or anything, he'll be on my good side until further notice.

In video gaming news, I beat Kingdom Hearts II on proud mode a little while ago, and have since been nursing the idea for a fanfic. If I get around to writing it, I'll probably post it in my journal for all to see and few to read. I also ordered Karaoke Revolutions 1-4, and will now have to learn a whole lot of new songs. While I know more than my fair share of, say, musical theatre songs, most apparently well-known pop songs are completely foreign to me. Luckily, I know of a site where I can download songs cheap. I can't say I'm exactly a huge fan of a lot of American pop songs, nor does that game exactly show off the better aspects of my singing voice, but it's addictive non-the-less. Man, if they came out with a musical theatre version of that game, I'd be one happy camper.

Possibly the biggest news is that, as I mentioned earlier, I'm on vacation. Right now I'm in Southern California for my cousin, Julia's bat mitzvah, which was yesterday. And, wow, have there been festivities! There was the Friday night dinner, the Friday night service, the desert after the service, the actual bat mitzvah the next day, the freaking huge and loud party after the bat mitzvah, dinner that night at her house, and, later on this morning, there’s going to be a Sunday brunch. All provided by her rich father. The vacation would otherwise end tomorrow, except that my brother, Adam's going to be graduating soon, so my family and I (sans my mom) are going to drive down to San Diego and then come back up here for the ceremony. Much as I hate graduations, for some reason I'm not dreading this one as much as ones I've had in the past. Maybe it'll be more interesting than what I'm used to. Hopefully.

So, as my dad would say, that's the name of that tune. Pretty broad update but, like I wrote, I may go into more details later. Hope everyone's been doing well.